Happy Valentines Day

    
   Mid-February brings three things that can cause heartburn for couples:

1. Champagne
2. Chocolate
3. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

    Of the holidays involving obligatory gift exchange, Valentines Day is particularly tricky.  It tends to cause the most misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  My last Valentines Day, she got me a cologne set that I never use, and a few pairs of underwear that are meant to be sexy but are just too tight.  I got her a dozen roses that are dead now, and a vibrator (which I'm guessing she never uses, or is dead now.)

    One of my best Valentines Days was about four years ago.  I took my girlfriend out for dinner, and then we went to see Juno.  It's a great movie, and I held her hand tightly, basking in the warm knowledge that we would never have the problem confronting Ellen Page and Michael Cera.  She couldn't get pregnant.  One less thing to worry about, though she probably wasn't quite as thrilled.


    I've heard about these guys who have "Honey-do" lists.  Honey-do lists?  I don't have 'em.  I have "Cantaloupe" lists:  

• Can't fix the sink
• Can't go on a cruise
• Can't elope

   This year I started seeing this girl just before her birthday, which is Feb 2nd.  Today is Valentines Day.  It's like I'm living the same day over and over... I signed the card, "It's me again."  Then, "xoxo-Godiva chocolate-premium roses-reservation at fancy restaurant-Champagne-plush bear-xoxo."  (Was that wrong?)

   Him: "Modern commercialized Valentines Day is BS."
   Her:  bristling
   Him: "If it makes you feel any better, most things in life are BS."
   Her:  bristling
   Him: "No, I didn't think it would."