The Day Pat Decided To Be a Preacher

  When he was quite young, Pat  had a loose tooth.  (Turns out the tooth wasn't the only thing loose in little Pat's head.)  He figured he'd go ahead and yank it, so as to collect from the tooth fairy.  So when he went to bed that night, little Pat put his bicuspid under the pillow, and dreamed of a remunerative visit.

   When he awoke, there was a coin and a misspelled note.  The note said, "Change for your Bicupid."

   Little Pat thought to himself, Bi Cupid? Change for my Bi Cupid?  Never! You'll have to pry my next loose tooth from my cold, deadened gum!  So that's how all these gay people are getting together... They're not born gay; it's a slippery slope set in motion by the evil handiwork of Bi Cupid.  So that's why he's called the tooth fairy.

   Now, Pat is nothing if not non-curious, so he never checked out the spelling of that note.  To this day he blames Bi Cupid, a sort of moral decay villain and teammate of Bi-Curious, for the decline of civilization.


Speaking of teeth...

   I recently had an upper wisdom tooth pulled.  I don't know if you've had this happen, but it can leave a space, a passage, between your mouth and your sinuses, and you get backwash up in there, and it stinks.  But the thing that worries me is I'm gonna get like a hunk of hot dog stuck up in the socket.  Then the gum's gonna heal over and I'm gonna have a hot dog socket.  This thing's gonna go bad, gonna come back to haunt me like something from a Poe story.  I'll be bent over in madness.  "The pulsing!  The throbbing!"

    Is that gay?  A throbbing hot dog in my mouth?

What Doesn't Happen

      About 12  years ago I was lying in this woman's bed.  (When someone else is in bed with me, I don't really sleep.  I also don't really have sex.)  At around 4:00 AM, while she's asleep and I'm maybe half asleep, I had a startling, profound, vivid realization that I'm going to die.  One day I will die and all my thoughts will cease; everything I'm working on (or should be working on) will stop.  It's hard to describe.  Just a startling revelation that the curtain will fall and my little show, such as it is, will fade to black.

    One would think that after such a jarring wake-up call I'd have resolved to buckle down, to reach  some goals; but alas, life since then has continued to be what might be best described by paraphrasing Lennon: what doesn't happen to you while you're not busy making other plans.

   Someone recently said  that "nothing happens after you die."  Pity, since in my case nothing much happens before, either.

This I Believe

    I believe that when I die my soul will be spirited to a remote  tropical paradise where I will meet Billy Crystal from Throw Mama from the Train, Kathleen Turner from Body Heat, Stephen Root from Office Space and, of course, Eddie Murphy, Dan Aykroyd, Jamie Lee Curtis and “Coleman” from Trading Places.  

On Religion

    It's not 995 BC!  Or even 588 BC.  It's neither 2000 BC nor 200 BC.  It isn't 33;  it isn't 622.  1633 happened.  1692 is over.  We are past 1814.  1925 is ancient history.  It's not 1914, 1975 or 1984.  New Year's Eve 1999 came and went.  It is 2012.  (Well, maybe 2012 isn't the best example.)

                                                                         The End
                                                             (Turns out it isn't after all)