Never Fails

   Anyone can do stand-up.  If you can make noodles, then you can do stand-up.

        1. bring to a boil    (you have to get a little upset first.)
        2. stir in contents    (you have to have something to say, some material.) 
        3. let stand about 5 minutes    (you need some stage time.)

   The only real difference between doing stand-up and making noodles is that you can live on noodles.

    Anyone can do it.  If you are particularly sensitive or anxious, not to worry:  skin will thicken upon standing. The more you do it, the more you can roll with the punches.

   And if people don’t laugh, there are plenty of things you can say to break the tension. 

   You can use “line savers”:  little comments,  almost always self-deprecating, about how the show is going.  Some well-known comedians who do (did) this well are Johnny Carson,  Jim Gaffigan, and Mitch Hedberg.

   One time when I was losing the audience I employed  the following tack.  “TV sucks.  Take NBC.  They used to have a thing called Third Rock.  It sucked.  Then it was 30 Rock.  Sucked.  They could have 300 rocks.  Don't look now, but here comes Rock Center.  NBC sounds like a Charlie Brown trick or treat.  Ever notice as soon as you tell someone about a great show, that’s when it starts to suck?!  Never fails.  As soon as you say, “Oh man, you gotta check out this show; it’s really funny.  That’s when it starts to suck.  (Long pause)  Okay, who told someone about my show?”

   It works because it lets everyone know that you are on top of the situation; and that you can take a joke.  [Disclosure:  I’ve never actually seen any of those NBC shows, other than a few clips of 30 Rock, and I am a Tina fan.  In fact, one time I dreamt that I was a contestant in a spelling bee, and Tina was the moderator.   The word I had to spell was my name.  “Could you use my name in a sentence, Tina?  May I have the derivation of my name?”  Tina’s answers, of course, were brilliant.  I awoke quickly enough to evaluate part of what was actually said, and of course it was merely gibberish.   This dream was a dream of admiration, not sex.  She wasn’t naked or anything.  Neither was I, fortunately.]