Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Answer Man (Part 1)



      Driving south from our high school, Sullivan's Shell Station was on the left side of the main road before you get up to cruising speed.  Nicely appointed, with a split rail fence fronting the highway, and extending along the sides of the property, the place had a rustic charm. When facing the station, from right to left, you had the self-serve air and the diesel pump, two gigantic DIY garage bays, a nice store area with vending machines, (and a little back room for employees), a very cozy office and on the other side of the office, the restroom, whose key hung from the obligatory huge block of wood.


    Back then, the attendant didn’t just sit inside and run the register; no sir, he had to pump the gas, check the oil, wash the windows and even take a crack at diagnosing car trouble.  The two fully-equipped garage bays were rented by the hour and he had to go over tool inventory with each customer pre- and post-rental.  Never a dull moment. 

    The guidance counselor helped me get the job, my first non-farm work.  For five years, I had been toiling in the fields fifteen miles south of the station, in the middle of nowhere, on our farm.

Out here in the fields
I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living  

    I was a senior with the social awareness and skills of a 13-year old and needed to expand my vistas.  Or at least do something I could put on my college applications.  I now had real responsibility, handling money, dealing with the public, and doling out apologies.

    The manager’s name was Don Wesson.  He kind of looked—and acted—like Humphrey Bogart, hair slicked back, weathered face, the short sleeves of his name-bearing yellow shirt rolled up.  I admired the way Don ran the place.  He really had a nose for the job, and didn’t take any crap.  He looked like the kind of guy you’d want minding the station. He was nice to me but I couldn't help wondering if he was a bit perplexed as to why I was hired for this.

     Back in those days, Shell had an ad campaign that touted the knowledge of their attendants:  Ask the Shell Answer Man.  The company issued me a crisp, brown pair of coveralls with a bright yellow Shell patch sewn on the breast.  I would’ve looked resplendent, but at sixteen, sporting braces, geeky wire-rimmed glasses, and a pencil neck, I probably looked like a kid dressing up for Halloween as a mechanic.  

    One day I came to school in a short-sleeved golf shirt that had a colored body and a white collar.  So when I got into my coveralls, the white collar was all you could see.  Don remarked that I looked like a priest.  I knew nothing about religion but even back then, in the late seventies, I didn’t like the sound of that. 

     I was book smart but had zero mechanical skills. My older brother was a pretty good mechanic and we all had dirt bikes.  My physicist dad studied mechanical engineering and could fix/build anything. He had a small Cessna for trips to Chicago.  I don't remember him ever taking flying lessons but there were some issues of Flying magazine lying around in the john. He built a sawmill at our farm from scratch. Built our tennis court. We were quite self-sufficient out there. But I could barely change a spark plug.  

    Another thing I knew nothing about was women.  Teenagers today don’t have that problem.  With the internet all you have to do is go to the How Stuff Works website, type in “women,” and everything you need to know is right there.  Don was very knowledgeable about women; I could overhear him talking to some of the ladies. Thinking back on it 35 years later, he probably went home to an empty house every night like police chief Gillespie in the film In the Heat of the Night.  

(to be cont'd)

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Friend of a Friend of Sylvia

                                                           
     I was thinking about Sylvia Hudson, and how talking to her in the supermarket made me feel better, but only for a short while.  She gave off an upbeat, happy vibe as she entered the store, so after five or ten minutes I approached her and made some small talk.  We had a nice chat, and she gave me her number. 

     When I called her a few days later, she suggested we get together with her friend Rusty.  “Rusty?”  That can’t be good.  Turns out she wanted to discuss religion.  I didn’t really want to get together because  I think they want to prosylatize.  Convert me.    

    Rusty would probably tell me about his religious awakening.  Some of these accounts of almighty meet-cutes  can really ramble:  “My life was spiralling out of control.  I was reviewing Women in Prison (WIP) movies for a website, and one night it ocurred to me that I was spending 9 or 10 hours a day looking at WIPs, which  you’d have to admit, are  pornographic.

    “As I was doing the research for my four-star review of Caged Fury I felt an unmistakeable sign from above.  Something happened.  A golden light that I hadn’t noticed before seemed to  bathe the compound.  It gripped me as palpably as I’ve been gripped, and I said, ‘Lord, I can’t do it by myself anymore.  If I’m gonna beat this addiction, I’ll need your help.   I need a partner.  You need to steer me in a new direction, to show me…’”

    Dude, bottom line it.

    “Well, suffice it to say I threw off the bonds of Satan in my life just like the inmates in Heat on the Run IV threw off the repression of the evil warden.  (That’s not the only thing they were throwing off—three and a half stars.)  From that moment on, I have felt His presence.  When I was at a friend’s house and he had Cinemax on, it had no effect on me whatsoever.  Granted, I’ve always tended to find those  simulated simulated-procreation scenes rather lame, good for only a half-mast at best.  But now Little Rusty just seems to say, ‘I’m so sure.  This offends my intelligence.’

    “The new me can look at even formerly smoking hot stuff, and  it’s like my junk is engaging in civil disobedience, refusing to go down that path again.  We’re not having it.  Hard to describe the feeling.”

    Good.  Please don’t.  This is turning into a meat-cute.

    “Well, it’s not like when you sit out on the edge of a lame sofa and your johnson goes numb; it’s more like your nether region just goes slack, like a passive-aggressive four-year old who doesn’t want to go to kindergarten.  My life has been so much more meaningful since my experience.  Is that something you’d like to have in your life?”

    Uh, I gotta go. 


    (Editor's note:  To all the Reason Rallyers in Washington today:  Have a nice day.)   

                                                                                   


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle, Pat



Remember that show The $100,000 Pyramid?

“Gym membership, uh, lottery tickets… lottery tickets,  uh, Rush Limbaugh’s wives…”
“Uh, things that are gullible.”
The clue-giver shakes her head.  “Exercise equipment, DVDs, Rush Limbaugh’s wives..”
“THINGS YOU BUY AND ONLY USE ONCE!!!”
(Bells going off)  “Yes!  $100,000.” 

Wheel of Fortune:  

BEFORE & AFTER

M__r__g_         M_t_r__l           __rl

“I’d like to solve, Pat."
Pat: "Okay, sure."
"Marriage.  Material.  Girl.”
Pat:  “Yeah, that’s it.  Nicely done.”

Jeopardy Categories:

Continents      Beverages     Incontinents     Porcine Blowhards    
People Who Are Inadvertently Helping the Presidential Race but Hurting the Human Race
Angry Old Xenophobes    Large-Mouthed Bastards



Nature abhors a vacuum.  There was a vacuum in the GOP.  It was filled by Limbaugh.  I mean, nature must really abhor vacuums... but not as much as decent folks abhor Limbaugh.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Last of the Emoticons



    Time to quit internet dating.  Too many fakes and flakes. 

    No more smileys.  No more insipid “LOL”s.  Last of the emoticons.


Top Phrases for Computer Dating  (Or Masturbating.  Or actual sex.)

Hunt & Peck
Pull & Paste 
Rinse & Repeat
Junk & Dial
Stick & Jab
Clean & Jerk
Shake & Wait (one for the ladies?  Not even sure I get that one)
Catch & Release
Fake & Dribble
Pick & Roll  (okay, I have been watching a lot of college hoops)
Cut & Run
Ruminate & Fulminate (look it up, Einstein)
Block & Relocate


    One time a few years ago a woman from the internet sent me a text one hour before our first date:  “I’m nervous.  Tell me something to calm my nerves.” 

    You’re nervous?  I’m the one with the 3-day spunk backup.



    March 10th  we all lost an hour to Daylight Saving Time.  I wish I could have made the 7:00-8:00 hour disappear.  As the weather turned cloudy and drizzly, my date showed up.  Another train wreck.  A horrid, foul-weather front.

    She was rude to the sweet waittress.  “You don’t have Sky?  Well.  All other vodkas taste like turpentine.”  Really?  How about a blindfolded taste test.  Come to think of it, how about a blindfolded date?  A quicker man would have taken this moment as his cue to utter, “Separate checks, please.”  Or better yet, to just bolt.

    She suggested we go sit outside because, "It's so loud in here."    I was actually embarrassed that her volume and tone was bothering the folks seated near us.

    I’d mentioned over the phone that normally on internet first dates a guy is only expected to go for coffee or a drink.  Everybody knows that.   This charmer actually  started talking about getting the salmon!  We ordered expensive burgers and by the time I realized the only viable course was Abort!, she had killed two vodkas.  She was defensive, angry, undateable.

    Why didn't I get up?  I could have said simply, "Call of nature." (Nature's giant repulsor beam is literally pushing me away.)  Stop the food!  Here's five bucks for my draft.  Keep the change.  I could have blown out the main door, and the charmer wouldn't have seen me.  Instead, I was honest, and told her it wasn't working.   "I'll go talk to the waittress," I said. 


    If this debacle had a movie title, it would be Flight Plan.  (Be prepared to take flight!)  By the way, Flight Plan borrows its plot from the Hitchcock classic, The Lady Vanishes.  Which is exactly what this lady did before I could ask her to chip in. 

   I pleaded victim with the manager.  They had already started undercooking the food, so I stayed and dealt with the pink slime.  

       Another soul-corroding experience.   "Let's agree to disaggregate."
                                                                 
                                                                                                Faithfully submitted,
                                                                                                The S-A-H-B    

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Workplace Hanky-Panky



    You might think that the amount of hanky-panky in the workplace varies inversely with level of pay.  Why would an exec making $300,000 a year risk his cushy job for lobby tush?  But walk onto a floor where the rank-and-filers are bringing down eight bucks an hour, and it’s a veritable orgy:  “Candace! Get off Bobby and make a call.”  In other words, the stakes are lower, as are the standards.

    Another school of thought says the 300K folks have plenty of power, which naturally attracts partners, and in the event of “he said/ she said,” they can strongarm plaintiffs.  Meanwhile, the wage slaves, particularly during tough times, typically have to work about three part-time jobs, so they barely have the energy to chew their food, let alone work up some effective flirting banter.

    At any rate, I tend to do better with women at work than in other contexts.  Perhaps it’s because they see me there, so they’re pretty sure I have a job.  I enjoy being at work.  It’s the doing of the work that gets old.

    That puts me in the mind of Maureen Dowd’s book, Are Men Necessary?  If you asked the head of PETA that question, she’d probably say, “Men?!  Hell, are humans necessary?”  But even without self-absorbed humans wreaking havoc, I suppose this planet would still witness plenty of suffering.  ‘Course the economy wouldn’t be as good.  Probably knock a few points off GDP.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Renter's Residue



   As a general rule I don’t watch reality shows.  When I was taking care of an elderly relative, however, she had the Food Channel on a lot.  Have you seen this show called Chopped?  Contestants must make a first rate meal from miscellaneous scraps.

    "Open your baskets, chefs.  You will have 30 minutes to prepare an entree from:  rutabaga, pigs feet, a slice of American cheese and orange gatorade."  I would definitely tune in for  an episode of Chopped where the contestants poison the judges, who tend to be snotty.  "This isn't clarified butter!  It has to be clarified."  You've made yourself clear, Master.  What's the next course?  Scolded potatoes?  Dressed down crab?   Brow-beaten biscuits? 


  
   When did the price of spaghetti sauce go to nine dollars for a 24 ounce jar?  Have you seen these premium sauces?  There’s one called Mom’s, with a picture of a hefty granny on the label.    Then there's the celebrity chef who looks like a porcine stoner—what’s his name?  With the pony tail?  Then there’s the brand with the picture of a young, hirsute Italian woman who looks not unlike Fez from That 70s Show.  What kind of mushrooms are they putting in there?  You can get a decent jar of sauce at ALDI for a buck.

 (The Food Channel could collaborate with the Cartoon Network on an upcoming special, It’s the Grey Poupon, Charlie Brown!)

    One menu item I'll skip is the Jerk Pulled Pork Swords.  Hold the dipping sauce!  Also, avoid the New York Custard-Filled Long Johns and Kozy Shack Pudding.

    I decided long ago that I don’t want any cottage cheese.  I think because the name sounds bad.  Cottage cheese.  Why not just call it bungalow buildup?  Renter’s residue?

   Speaking of cheese, there's a radio ad for a Vermont cheese company's web site that says they have "cheese stories."  Nothing like a good cheese story:  "One night our fraternity president dared us to eat a wheel of cheese the size of a snare drum, and..."  Talk about "Breaking Bad."