Last of the Emoticons

    Time to quit internet dating.  Too many fakes and flakes. 

    No more smileys.  No more insipid “LOL”s.  Last of the emoticons.

Top Phrases for Computer Dating  (Or Masturbating.  Or actual sex.)

Hunt & Peck

Pull & Paste 

Rinse & Repeat

Junk & Dial

Stick & Jab

Clean & Jerk

Shake & Wait (one for the ladies?  Not even sure I get that one)

Catch & Release

Fake & Dribble

Pick & Roll  (okay, I have been watching a lot of college hoops)

Cut & Run

Ruminate & Fulminate (look it up, Einstein)

Block & Relocate

    One time a few years ago a woman from the internet sent me a text one hour before our first date:  “I’m nervous.  Tell me something to calm my nerves.” 

    You’re nervous?  I’m the one with the 3-day spunk backup.

    March 10^th  we all lost an hour to Daylight Saving Time.  I wish I could have made the 7:00-8:00 hour disappear.  As the weather turned cloudy and drizzly, my date showed up.  Another train wreck.  A horrid, foul-weather front.

    She was rude to the sweet waittress.  “You don’t have Sky?  Well.  All other vodkas taste like turpentine.”  Really?  How about a blindfolded taste test.  Come to think of it, how about a blindfolded date?  A quicker man would have taken this moment as his cue to utter, “Separate checks, please.”  Or better yet, to just bolt.

    She suggested we go sit outside because, "It's so loud in here."    I was actually embarrassed that her volume and tone was bothering the folks seated near us.

    I’d mentioned over the phone that normally on internet first dates a guy is only expected to go for coffee or a drink.  Everybody knows that.   This charmer actually  started talking about getting the salmon!  We ordered expensive burgers and by the time I realized the only viable course was Abort!, she had killed two vodkas.  She was defensive, angry, undateable.

    Why didn't I get up?  I could have said simply, "Call of nature." (Nature's giant repulsor beam is literally pushing me away.)  Stop the food!  Here's five bucks for my draft.  Keep the change.  I could have blown out the main door, and the charmer wouldn't have seen me.  Instead, I was honest, and told her it wasn't working.   "I'll go talk to the waittress," I said. 

    If this debacle had a movie title, it would be Flight Plan.  (Be prepared to take flight!)  By the way, Flight Plan borrows its plot from the Hitchcock classic, The Lady Vanishes.  Which is exactly what this lady did before I could ask her to chip in. 

   I pleaded victim with the manager.  They had already started undercooking the food, so I stayed and dealt with the pink slime.  

       Another soul-corroding experience.   "Let's agree to disaggregate."

                                                                 

                                                                                                Faithfully submitted,

                                                                                                The S-A-H-B